Raaah

Check this guy out. It is SFW unless your boss is a raging redneck, a Southern Baptist Priest, a fundamentalist Muslim etc – you get the message. No nudity, just great bass-playing and a weird, milk-drinking Japanase or Korean dude (I can't tell the difference and tbh I don't really care all that much, it is not really that important). I especially like when he is rubbing / squeezing his underarms. Also, the sequence of the yacht at the end of the video is timeless. I presume it all makes sense in Japanese or Korean or whatever, but secretly I hope it makes no sense in any language / culture.

The comments are brilliant as well. Here's a few tasters:

”ilovebasketball86
the good thing is he is talented the bad thing is he is fucked in the head.”

-very insightful, straight to the point sort of commentary

”nickmorgan19457
I don't know what I'm looking at, but I never want to see it again.”

-this guy must have a hard time on youtube and the internet in general

”DaRuler92
I can live with the cross dressing but MILK in a COKE GLASS WTF is this shit?”

-yeah, what the fuck? That is seriously uncouth and shows a complete lack of decorum

and my favourite:

”Giovanni222
This video is SO FUCKED UP. The wooden frame of the bed TOTALLY clashes with the wooden texture of the wardrobe.”

-quite.

Troopers

Start around 1:05-1:06.

At some point in this particular episode of Wife Swap, the spouse of the guy having a breakdown explains how in their family, they brush their teeth with toothpaste made from butter mixed with clay. And they eat raw chicken that they keep in a jar on a shelf.
The world is a scary place, especially with people like that in it. Poor kids.

It is all wrong

Police arrest naked 'Terminator'

A man found naked at a casino claimed he was a Terminator sent from the future.

19-year-old Sean Stanley Smith was arrested on the Nevada border after he was spotted by a motorist wondering around the highway nude. He was ordered by police to stop but proceeded into a nearby casino - where he was then tasered in front of a group of children.

Smith claims he was a Terminator sent back in time from the future - a reference to the film character made popular by Arnold Schwarznegger in the sci-fi franchise. The films usually start with a naked man being transported to the past.

However, it turned out that Smith was not a time-travelling Terminator but was in fact suffering from the side effects of LSD and marijuana. He was charged with indecent exposure and resisting a police officer.

(from Yahoo)

Imagine how traumatized those kids must be. Not only are they in a casino surrounded by the grim spectacle of bona fide gambling addiction in all its guises, they also get the pleasure of witnessing a naked, delirious man getting tazed by burly cops.

This is just all so wrong. First of all, what where the kids doing in the casino in the first place? And with whom? And with what money? Isn't there an age limit for casinos? I mean, a casino is hardly the ideal place for a family vacation or a field trip with school. Especially not if it is the kind of casino where naked men go to get tazed by cops.

Clouds

America the Great

Too many quotes to really mention, but here's a selection:

“Peoples (sic) have kids, that they try to feed with the special, and you mean to tell me that we can't feed our kids, because ya'll didn't order enough chicken .... that's wrong”

“I was trying to feed my family tonight, - can't get that bucket in now”

And my favourite:

“We're more disappointed than angry, you know we've been looking forward to this day”

Get a fucking life. Stop feeding yor kids shit food and stop relying on drive-throughs for sustenance! Go to a bloody shop, buy ingredients and make a proper meal. You do have kitchens in the US, right?

Holy shit this is a sad state of affairs. No wonder America is such a fucked up place. Bred on a diet of fried chicken, inane TV and Texan presidents.

Mini Ramp in the Barn, Day Three

My Dad's cousin, who happens to own and run a machine factory, kindly supplied me with two airplane grade aluminium tubes for coping. Using his industrial drills and cutters, the pipes became two beautiful, shiny bespoke items perfect for my masterpiece. He also furnished me with a great selection of nuts and bolts to attach the bastards, and gave some sound advice. In return I had to work for him on May 1 which in Sweden is a national holiday for the workers.
Ha! I didn't mind too much, though. I don't agree with parading around waving red flags moaning about capitalists in 21st century Europe. It's not like the Swedish workforce is exploited in any way, on the contrary, they probably have the most comfortable working directives, laws and conditions of any labour force in the world. Besides, my ramp is way more important than some socialist, hypocritical donuts who all use iPhones, drink Starbucks and think communism is a good thing, whilst being covertly racist, ignorant, uncharitable and fully dependent on state intervention in all aspects of their lives.
Anyway, I digress. I worked in protest and got a nice coping set-up out of it.

Mini Ramp in the Barn, Day Two

Today was the day I started putting together the 4 quarter pipes that will make the transition of the ramp. I gave up on using the oak beams I had sourced for cross joists, as they where hard as nails, so hard in fact that I could use neither screw nor nail on them.

IF I COULD DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT, I WOULD START BY NOT DECIDING TO USE OLD, HARD AS FUCK OAK BEAMS FOR BUILDING ANYTHING OTHER THAN A HOUSE!

Anyway, most of day two was spent looking for alternate lumber instead of the oak bastards. As it is a big farm, several hundred years with several massive barns, it wasn't too difficult. I figured the cross joists could be a various shapes, as long as they were strong and thicker and 1".
After an hour or two (generous estimate - I got blisters on my hands) of sawing, I had enough non-oak beams with which to begin construction of the first quarterpipe.

quarterpipe #1

By now it was getting late, I wanted beer and I couldn't be fucked to do any more sawing. I learnt a lot from doing this first quarterpipe, and I was certain the next 3 would go a lot quicker. I closed the doors to the barn and to the project and tried to think of other things.

Mini Ramp in the Barn, Day One

So on Saturday morning I got up early, worked on my loose construction plans and headed to the local timber yard to make some purchases. I bought 10 sheets of 8' x 4' plywood. Unfortunately they didn't have the plywood in the thickness recommended by the the Dahlen/Pukeboy manifesto, so I had to settle for sheets that were in-between. The guy in the store assured me that, when soaked, the thickness I got was bendable. I was too excited about the prospect of my very own mini ramp to really worry too much at this stage. Dahlen/Pukeboy recommends using 3/4" thickness for the sideboards and 3/8" for the surface. I got 12mm thickness instead. So I decided to use two 12mm sheets for each sideboard to make it strong enough, and then hope that the 12mm would be pliable enough to use for the surface too.

12mm 8'x4' on trailer - exciting stuff

In terms of lumber, I sourced countless planks, all more or less 2"x4" of various lengths, around the farm that I reckon I could use instead of the standard 2"x4" suggested by Dahlen/Pukeboy. Screws and tools were plenty too. So far so good.

The next step was to design the sideboards. I used the string method for drawing the gradient on to the first sheet of plywood and drew the rest of the sideboard outline with a long ruler.


I opted for a 6 1/2' - 2m gradient, as all websites on the topic seem to suggest that is a mellow gradient, suitable for 3' - 1m ramps. The string method is well-explained in the Dahlen/Pukeboy manifestos.

I also spent a bit more time measuring out the exact space in the barn and revised my figures slightly:

Total length: 6.40m
Flat: 1.80m
Each platform is about 0.60m long (ca. 2') - enough to do a rock fakie with trucks all the way to coping and still have breathing space
Height from ground: ca. 1m
Vertical height, coping to flat: ca. 0.90m (3')
Width: 2.44m (8')
Transition gradient ca 2m (ca 6 1/2')

Hopefully it'll just fit (probably a bit snug, but I wanted to use all possible space to ensure a decent length of ramp).

I proceeded to cut out the first sideboard with a jigsaw. I then traced the the cut-out on to the remainder of the sheet and cut that out too. I repeated this process a few more times to leave me with 12 sideboards, all roughly identical. As I'm using thinner plywood than that recommended, I plan to have the outer sides of the four quarterpipes I make to be double layers. The insides will become double once I put the quarterpipes together. To allay confusion, I should add that the Dahlen/Pukeboy method suggests building 4 quarterpipes that, when combined, will make up the two main quarterpipes in each end of the ramp.

A few sideboards cut out

The rest of day one was spent cutting planks to size for the cross joists. I found a whole heap of oak planks that were of a suitable size. Oak is very hard wood and it took a while to saw enough cross joints for the first qaurterpipe.

Day one drew to a close, and I went to bed praying that this project will work.

Mini Ramp in the Barn, Day Zero

One of the advantages of relocating to rural shitsville (possibly apart from being able to go swimming butt-naked in total privacy whenever it takes your fancy), is the ability to take full use of the spaces afforded for purposes that would have been difficult to do in the middle of an urban setting. Friday night I decided to break the monotony of country-living and realise a childhood dream all in one fell swoop: I'm going to build my very own miniramp in one of the many barns scattered around my family's farm. I used to be an avid skateboarder in my teens and early twenties before London, drugs and partying took over. Since having moved out of the City of Filth to a 100% contrasting setting in hickstown, southern Sweden, I've had to fill my evenings and weekends with something other than fishing and moose counting. Luckily I brought my old deck with me, hence the plan and desire to start skating again.
Once a skater, always a skater as they say.

So, following some hard-fought negotiations with the family, I have been granted permission to build an indoor mini ramp in a suitably sized barn next to the main house. I will try to document its progress in this blog over the course of the next few weeks (well, ambitiously I am aiming to have it finished by the end of next weekend, but let's see, eh? As I am the only person working on it and I have no prior experience in the field, it might take longer than that).

I spent Friday night scouring t'internet looking for diagrams and how-too's, and I must admit it was more difficult at first than I had imagined. Ramp Plans Dot Org is a good starting point, but it contains no actual plans (not useful - trade descriptions fuck-up if you ask me) and many of the links are dead (not useful either). After a somewhat confusing browsing session, however, I came across and settled for plans provided by the following two websites:

Rick Dahlen's Mini Ramp
(has a great downloadable PDF with decent diagrams and a walk-through)

Pukeboy's Mini Ramp Plans
(confusing and cheap looking website, but once successfully navigated, extremely useful. Has some cool pics of the final product, too. Not too hot on diagrams, but well-explained)

As Rick Dahlen's ramp plans are loosely based on those provided by Pukeboy, I decided to make my ramp based on a bastardization of the two. The beauty of the plans provided on the two sites mentioned is that the ramp construction uses standard size wood, both lumber and plywood, which makes the process easier and quicker.

(I will go into the various techniques as and when they crop up in my construction over the next week or two.)

So, Day Zero of my ramp construction, I came up with the following rough outline, based on space restrictions in the barn (see below), and my liberal adaptation of the dimensions of the Dahlen/Pukeboy beast:

Total length: 6.5 m / 21'(ish)
Transition: 1.99m / 6.5' (supposedly quite mellow, perfect for 3' height)
Height: 0.91m / 3' (ish)
Width: 2.1 - 2.4m / 7' - 8' (not decided yet, space issues. Might be as wide as 10')
Flat: 1.8m / 6'
Platform width: 0.60 - 0.8 m / 2' - 2.5' (again, space issues, will decide once transition and flat is up)
Surface: either one or two layers of 1/2" plywood, covered by one layer of Masonite
Coping: yet to purchase, PVC is easier to work with, iron lasts longer... depending on availability etc.

I'm going to construct sideboard/frames first (draw and cut out gradient etc), then flat section. Planning to soak surface plywood in lake over night to enable it to bend properly (best method, apparently).

This is where I intend to fit the ramp:

Dying in a skiing accident is a luxury problem

So Natasha Richardson has died and the world mourns.

First of all, who the fuck was she?

Was she on the brink of solving world poverty? Did she have the answers to saving our environment? Could she have invented a vaccine to cure all our ills?

No. She was an actor. An actor who died whilst on holiday in an upmarket resort. An actor. How will the world recover from this tremendous loss?

57 million people die each year. Compared to the fate of the majority of people her life was far from tragic. Dying in a skiing accident is not comparable to dying from starvation, violence or disease (although dying on a beginner's slope is a form of tragedy, I suppose...).

My condolences to her family and friends. I'm not that cold-hearted. But to everyone else who feels sadden by her demise - get a fucking grip. If she touched your lives you need to join the other 57 million post-haste. The world looks exactly as fucked up today as it did before she kicked the bucket.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Popping out for a Raskolnikov

Reading Dostoyevski's Crime and Punishment piecemeal during loo visits doesn't lessen the pleasure. The book is also rather good.

Bjørnebryg - the reason God invented Denmark

"Far back in history the bear has been a part of the Harboe Brewery and it is still adorning the Bjørnebryg. The strong and characteristic beer contains 7,7% alcohol."

Possibly the best piece of copywriting ever conceived. Look at that awesome design. Only White Ace looks more attractive.
I dare say this beer is better than White Ace, both in terms of flavour and in terms of strength. White Ace is, of course, more readily available in the UK and much more likely to generate disgust from the public when consumed in broad daylight whilst waiting for your smack dealer to come through. White Ace is of course also not a beer but a white cider (sulphate overdose!), so the comparison falls short on several points. Well no, just the one.
I don't think this beer is available in the UK, which is tantamount to a crime. In Denmark the "Bear Brew" is fave among the drinking classes. Combined with a few 30mg codeine pills this golden liquid is an adequate and quite beautiful intoxicant.

Coolest tatts ever

A friend of mine sent me the link to this blog (English Russia) with some of the best (or worst) tattoos ever.

The two I've selected below are just so shit they're cool. Seriously, I am considering it...

'Drunken biker with chick'















We all know the feeling. You've been enjoying a couple of beers on a Tuesday night, just cruising around Vladivostock on your BSA, when your old lady shows up out of the blue, bitching and making demands, to the effect that you crash your bike and subsequently pretend to pass out in the vague hope that she'll go away.


'Weird lady standing in a puddle'




















Not sure what the story is here. Some weird woman standing in what looks like a shallow fountain. No story needed, the mystery is what makes this tatt.

Fear and loathing in Sweden

Three codeine tablets, two beers, two large glasses of gin and the last of my UK skunk. Listening to Land of Talk's new album, 'Some Are Lakes'.

I'm missing the filth, the depravity and the madness of London.

Earlier today I went walking in the forest. I say in the forest as if there is one distinct forest I go walking in. There isn't. It' all just one big fucking forest. The snow that fell last night and this morning was melting. The usual silence of the deep forest was replaced by the sound of a thousand drops of melted snow falling from branch to branch, drifting from leaf to leaf, as the frozen water transformed itself for the millionth time. I sat in the forest for an hour, silent, just listening. The lack of human made stimuli was amazing. The air was fresh, my footprints were the only ones visible in the snow and the air was so clean.
Yet I find myself missing all the misery of hyper inner city life. Missing it badly.

My resume so far.

Lies, lies, lies.

No one is harder than Hackney, part 2

Check out Afrokan.

This breer is so bake, mans be shittin' themselves when he in dem yard innit?

Apart from being illiterate and from E13 (yep, that is where your tax money is going), this fool surely is a contender for victim of the week, Hackney style.
His anecdote, presented on his MySpazz site with the unmistakable linguistic tenacity of a dyslexic eight-year old, is so interesting and illuminating of Afrokan's character that it warrants reproducing. He 'must of' gotten kicked out of school before he had a chance to grasp the concept of punctuation. I got bare respect for my man Afrokan, ya get me? Please don't hurt us, Afrokan!

HOW I NEARLY GOT SHANKED IN HACKNEY

(by Afrokan, a geezer so hard he gets stared down by strangers on his way to church)

OK! This is how it went...
I was jammin at SLYMA'S yard (stratford) till like 19:00
Then i get a phone call sayin i have to go to church and be dere by 21:00
Jus so you no, the church is in Hackney (homerton)
So must of left Slyma's yard between like 19:30 and 20:00
Got to Stratford station 10 minutes later and got on da 276 towards Hackney
Must Of got to Hackney and i see baaaare traffic and i was like 10mins away from church
So i decided to walk dere init!
While i was walking, i walked past this double decker bus (i think it was the no. 55)
And i looked into it, and all i see is dis light skin WASTEMAN looking, giving me evils! DICKHEAD!
So i looked back at him and carried on walking and hes still looking me lol, im like SKEEN!
The traffic free'd up a bit so the bus moved ahead of me a bit den it stopped...
Meaning i had to walk past the bus again and see dat ugly mans face again, i swear he was about 30 lol
I walked past the bus agen and i see the man.. still staring at me!! FAARKIN HELL!!
ANYWAYS!!
I walked down the road some more, den all i hear is 'OI YOU!! U FINK UR BAD INIT'
I turned around to see dat this man had got off the bus...
(HE HAD TIME...)
I kept my eye on him.. 10 seconds later he takes out a shank and RUNS towards me lol..
EESH! I was gone again!!!!!!!!!!

HOW I NEARLY GOT SHANKED IN HACKNEY

I think John Lydon put it best when he said "No future".

Joe Kinnear: "You're A Cunt"

Newcastle United Football Club is going nowhere fast, and so, by the sound of it, is temporary manager Joe Kinnear. I expect this story to be blogged to death before lunch!
The irony is, linguistically he is already a Geordie. I should think NUFC fans would appreciate a manager that speaks their language.....

"Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance."

and just in case you don't believe it, have a listen for yourself.

He is a charming fella. Why did he accept the job? And perhaps more importantly, why the hell did NUFC hire him? He is clearly off the fucking rails and this episode will do wonders for the club. The media will have a field day.

Another hero is gone

This story is about a guy who faked his way in to pro golf tournaments. Although sadly passed away, this man surely is a legend and an inspiration to us all.

"I bought some maps and books on the subject and a compass, suitable walking boots and socks. On one trip to the fells I bought myself a red jungle hat. It wasn't long before I was contemplating taking up mountain climbing. But I took up golf instead, which, in my case and the Open championship, could fairly be said to amount to one and the same thing."

He went from loving fell walking to wanting to win the Open. His kids don't sound too normal either, having recieved an anti-social behaviour injunction for fencing with each other (and something about winning the 1984 Disco Championships, - read on, it gets weirder).

(thanks to Lord Bramley for the story)

Crazy Golfer (from guardian.co.uk)

The best bar in the world?

The Saint Hotel in Melbourne is apparently under investigation following a promotion offering AUS$50 to any female punter who leaves her pants at the front door. Apparently the hotel got in to trouble earlier this year by “hiring a dwarf to pour free alcohol down customers' throats.”

The hotel is now under investigation by the Victoria state's alcohol licensing authority, who have referred to the event as “an inappropriate liquor promotion.”

Whilst we’re on the topic of Australia and its lack of public decorum, the following story seems fitting.

John Molony (great name), the mayor of remote Mount Isa, stated last week that “with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa.”

However uncouth such a statement, let’s hope the message gets through and we lose a few of the mingers in London!

Pants story (from bbc.co.uk)

Ugly duckling story (also from bbc.co.uk)