tseuq.ism

Architectural Bullshit, #3

2010-06-05T20:56:00.003Z

More from Sean Godsell Architects:

"The sentiment of the kitchen table is western - the altar of the family. In this sense the house speculates on the potential emergence of an Australian vernacular born not simply from our European past but equally from our acceptance of our regional reality as part of Asia."

–it's a fucking kitchen table!

"What's for dinner?"
"I'm not sure yet, I'm too busy speculating on the potential emergence of an Australian vernacular born not simply from our European past but equally from our acceptance of our regional reality as part of Asia."
"So we're having sweet and sour chicken again?..."

Architectural Bullshit, #2

2010-06-05T19:15:00.003Z

"The 100 Acres Art + Nature Park and the Visitor’s Pavilion is
the result of a studied relationship between building, land and
site-art with an infinite point of view. This place is born of wildly
turbulent, nature/culture phenomena constantly changing the
land’s structure. Tinkering with it as cultivated urban wilds
proves a sound means of joining Nature and City as a recovered,
unpredictably changing but cultivated landscape. Our ongoing
ambition is to craft a logic of ideas and physical works that
may open the repressed raw power of environment, art, and
architecture through a re-thinking and re-making of where we
already are. Here, the questions posed are born from within
the found condition — an immanent response, imbued with
convincing meaning and significance for the Museum of Art,
its patrons and the citizens of Indianapolis."

(Marlon Blackwell Architects)

OK, let's try to break it down:

"..is the result of a studied relationship between building, land and site-art with an infinite point of view."
–an infinite point of view? What?

"Our ongoing ambition is to craft a logic of ideas and physical works that may open the repressed raw power of environment, art, and architecture through a re-thinking and re-making of where we already are."
–I know where you are. Somewhere between la-la land and the wrong end of bad acid trip. Fuck off. Hippie.

"Here, the questions posed are born from within the found condition — an immanent response, imbued with convincing meaning and significance.."
–I find nothing convincing about that meaning, in fact I have trouble understanding what the fuck the meaning is in the first place, imbued or otherwise.

Architectural bullshit, #1

2010-06-05T18:08:00.004Z

Architects are generally pathetic, attention-seeking and self-centred failed artists. They talk so much shit, such endless streams of bullshit that one has to wonder whether all that expensive education shouldn't include a course or two in grasping reality.

Here's an example from Sean Godsell Architects:

"There is invested in this building a strong sense of childhood that begins with the anticipation of travel and promotes the sense of reward that comes at the conclusion of a journey. The verandah exists in this house in an abstracted form."

(Translation: "I built a house. In the greater scheme of things, it is nothing special. It is just a house, for fucks sake. But hopefully my erratic verbal diarrhoea will confuse the world into believing otherwise. After all, I am an architect, and as such, highly educated AND creative. And worthy of special praise.")

How can a strong sense of childhood that begins with the anticipation of travel and promotes the sense of reward that comes at the conclusion of a journey be invested in a building? What does that even mean in this context? Also, I much prefer my verandah in the concrete form. A verandah is a fucking verandah, for god's sake.

Illiterate fuckwits, part 1

2010-05-14T20:29:00.001Z

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=IsBthnY0DRU

JakyRedEyes @tseuqone obviously hes goin 2 put her on google as your seing you dipshit.

What?

Get a grip

2010-04-14T19:42:00.005Z

Stupid bint

not only is she highly illiterate, she is also not particularly attractive.

If you are going to write inane, highly uninteresting stuff about your every mundane activity in life, at least use spellchecker now and again.

...then again, maybe she is just drunk or high, in which case she is suddenly rather attractive.

BNP teachers?

2010-03-12T11:57:00.003Z

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/uk_news/education/8563044.stm

For fuck's sake, get things into perspective. We allow religious people to teach, and in many cases that is actually considered as being of great benefit to a society or community.

Frankly, in the greater scheme of things, it is just as detrimental to a child's development to be taught by someone who fundamentally believes that Britain should be racially pure, as by someone who fundamentally believes in immaculate conception and that dinosaurs lived alongside humans.

Both sets of beliefs halt our development as a species by reinforcing counterproductive ideas that are not founded on reason or fact.

Both sets of beliefs are inherently hostile towards those who have other convictions.

Both sets of beliefs are essentially born out of fear and ignorance, be it xenophobia, death, the human condition or the fear of a malevolent, omnipotent master.

So BNP members can't join the the police force. I can relate to that sentiment, ie a racist police officer can't actually protect and serve a community that isn't racially pure. But it is OK for a religious person to protect and serve communities that are of mixed beliefs? I mean, being a church going christian police officer will not in any way impede on one's ability to fairly deal with members of the public who are, say, Muslim or Jewish, right? Wrong. Religion and racism are equally irrational beliefs, and equally dangerous. Sadly, quite often they are the same.

But no, oh no, we mustn't go there, we cannot talk about the idiocy of religion, we cannot criticise religion, that great, benevolent fallacy that continues to make us have consider our lives and thoughts in relation to events that may or may not have happened sometime in the bronze-age. Have a go at every other stupid, uninformed, deranged belief but for god's sake leave good old religion alone.

They just can't leave god out of it

2009-11-03T07:46:00.003Z

I have been subscribing to the radicalviews.org newsletter for some time, as I am all in favour of freedom of speech and the pursuit of the truth from point of the underdog. Issues such as the Palestinian struggle and the treatment of Muslims by certain Western powers have been dealt with quite well, and although frequently biased and unsubstantiated, the articles posted on radicalviews.org have been thought provoking and at times even refreshing to read. That is, until yesterday.

I here reproduce the newsletter, as well as my reply, because the article by Yamin Zakaria is so devoid of journalistic competence that it puts the entire profession to shame.

Earthquakes and Tsunamis: Is God a Murderer?

The recent earthquake in Indonesia has evoked memories of the catastrophic Tsunami of 2004 that left hundreds of thousands dead. Natural disasters of cataclysmic proportion always raise the question of how a merciful God can permit indiscriminate carnage and devastation. How can a just God allow such injustices to take place? The secularists, atheists and agnostics use such catastrophic events to reinforce their belief in a Godless universe. They reason, if God does exist He should stand trial for murder and cruelty.

Murder by definition means to take a life unlawfully. But which laws has jurisdiction over God? He is the lawgiver, the creator and the owner of the entire universe and its content; hence it is His
prerogative to give and take, life. He is above any law by definition.

Furthermore, God created mankind and placed them on earth with a limited life span as the giver and taker of life. Therefore, according to secular ‘logic’ He has been committing ‘murder’ from the death of the very first man! By the way: what is about the 'mass murder' of cattle, sheep and chicken in the slaughter-houses just to satisfy the nutritional needs of humans: how does this squares with ‘murder’ and 'justice' in the secular minds.

Another point is the ability to resurrect life. The creator has the ability to recreate mankind after they have perished, as recreating is easier than creating from scratch. The divine can easily undo the
alleged ‘murder’ of his subjects and He will on the Day of Judgment by resurrecting everyone! This is something a human being could not do to the murdered victims. Thus, the concept of murder can only be applied to those human beings that take another life unlawfully; they are guilty as they did not create the life in the first place, thus have no rights over it. And they are not able to resurrect the victims: the guilt persists forever.

Who knows the fate of those who have perished? Who has this knowledge? To assume that they are worse off is an assumption. The creator may have given them a better life and spared them further sufferings in this world. From the Islamic perspective those who have perished are martyrs, they will be rewarded greatly and the young will enter paradise as they are innocent, they do not need salvation and no one needs to die for their ‘sins’. Therefore, to pass quick judgment upon the divine without the full picture is premature, foolish and in reality impossible.

As for the hardship suffered by those who have survived the recent disaster, it cannot be construed as evil. Many tend to confuse between evil and suffering in general. According to the Islamic text, evil is rebelling against Gods commandments and the consequential suffering inflicted upon the victim. But not all forms of hardship constitutes evil by definition, a serious error often made by many. The creator is entitled to test us from time to time and how quick are we to forget all the bounties that He has given us prior to that.

Adjectives like ‘love’, ‘merciful’ used in describing God Almighty should be understood not in terms of human qualities but as divine attributes. When for example God says He hears everything that does not mean He has big powerful ears but the use of such vocabulary allows the limited human minds to get an infinitely small appreciation of the power of the divine, whilst remembering that HE is nothing like the creation, not part of it and not subjected to the laws of the creation.

There is a clear distinction between the creator and created. This is fundamental point about the notion of God. He created human beings and their mind, given it the ability to compose, analyze and deduce ideas.
By rational necessity the finite human mind cannot comprehend the nature of the infinite and eternal God. Furthermore, the reality shows that the human mind being finite struggles to comprehend the creation itself let alone the nature of the creator.

Despite this, the secularists, atheists and agnostics have attempted conceptualize the essence of God using their limited mind, and perhaps the Christian and Pagan traditions have also contributed to this; the end result is God is a more powerful being with super human qualities. Naturally God is now thought of as a being that can be understood in terms of having human qualities and therefore subjected to the same principles that are applied to human beings. And this is where the error begins with charges of murder.

By rational necessity the eternal and uncreated God can never be subjected to the principles that have been derived from the minds of those who HE has created. Similarly, He cannot be subjected to the laws and ethics derived from the human mind as He has created the mind, body and soul. Just as a slave cannot command his master in the same way the eternal sovereign God cannot be commanded or evaluated by His own creation.

These major events like earthquakes and tsunamis are for us to reflect about the meaning of life, the limitations of human beings, these events are proof that the span of life on earth is pre-determined.

Yamin Zakaria (yamin@radicalviews.org)

so I replied:

We can only move forward as a species once we stop taking about blind faith and start talking about facts. Without Islam there'd be no jihad, without Christianity there'd be no Crusades or TV evangelists. Whether God is a murderer or not is not really relevant.

"Furthermore, God created mankind and placed them on earth with a limited life span as the giver and taker of life."

Presumably Yamin is a journalist and looks for truth. Leave religion behind, it has no place in truth. All any discussion about the relative merits of god or gods (some people believe in more than one,
you know - are they wrong?) achieves is more arguments, wars and misery in the name of religion.

"Natural disasters of cataclysmic proportion always raise the question of how a merciful God can permit indiscriminate carnage and devastation."

No it doesn't always raise that question. Funny how only religious people think this. For an atheist, it is simply a natural disaster, nothing more nothing less.

"The secularists, atheists and agnostics use such catastrophic events to reinforce their belief in a Godless universe. They reason, if God does exist He should stand trial for murder and cruelty."

Simply not true. Poor journalism. Do some research next time. Atheists don't believe in a god, regardless of whether a tsunami takes place or not. A natural disaster is not evidence to atheists of the absence of a god. It is just a natural disaster. Why is that so difficult to grasp? Atheists don't reason that if "God does exist He should stand trial for murder and cruelty" - atheists reason that there is no God, period, and as such the debate on whether or not he should stand trial is irrelevant.

"Therefore, according to secular ‘logic’ He has been committing ‘murder’ from the death of the very first man! By the way: what is about the 'mass murder' of cattle, sheep and chicken in the
slaughter-houses just to satisfy the nutritional needs of humans: how does this squares with ‘murder’ and 'justice' in the secular minds."

Apart from the obvious need to employ a sub-editor, Yamin once again makes a sweeping statement with zero reference to a source or sources. How can a religious person, talk authoritatively about secular 'logic'? Is there a logic in blind faith?

"Who knows the fate of those who have perished? Who has this knowledge? To assume that they are worse off is an assumption."

To believe that god exists is an assumption. This whole article is based on one big assumption.

"Despite this, the secularists, atheists and agnostics have attempted conceptualize the essence of God using their limited mind"

Really? Source, please. This is another example of poor research. Atheists are not trying to conceptualize the essence of god one way or the other. Atheists don't believe in god or gods. Who in their right mind would seek to conceptualise the essence of something they know not to exist? Journalism is not about saying what you think, it is about critically investigating the objective truth.
And surely, being able to ask questions shows a mind that is not limited, as opposed to a mind that accepts anything as fact because some scripture or community leader says so?
That is why the majority of Muslim countries are underdeveloped in the first place – ignorance. I hasten to add that certain parts of America are developing in intellectually underdeveloped areas too, given the trend by fundamentalists Christians towards espousing creationism as the 'true' alternative to science. What makes that scarier is the fact that America is a rich and powerful country.

"By rational necessity the eternal and uncreated God can never be subjected to the principles that have been derived from the minds of those who HE has created."

How convenient. And is it really rational? Is it a necessity? And, for the sake of argument, why not? Is 'HE' scared of what 'those HE created' might say?

"These major events like earthquakes and tsunamis are for us to reflect about the meaning of life, the limitations of human beings"

On this I agree, but that has nothing to do with religion. Atheists mourn the loss of life, too. Atheists too reflect on the limitations of human beings, but unlike believers atheists seek to confront and remove those limitations through science and the application of rational thought, not to accept them and remain in ignorance.
Medicine is a perfect example of this. When Alexander Fleming discovered penicillin, the limitations of human beings was significantly reduced. Millions of deeply religious people of all faiths use penicillin to prolong their lives. If Alexander Fleming had accepted the limitations of human beings as dictated by god, we'd die from what are considered common ailments even today. Compassion does not exist purely as a consequence of religion, otherwise how do you explain the compassion shown by people of all faiths, not just Islam (and indeed atheists, Gnostics etc.)?

We're now in the 21st century and the biggest challenge we face as a species is the destruction of our planet through war, pollution and over-consumption. If we are ever to move forwards, we have to stop wallowing in god this or god that.

Yamin is entitled to his/hers view, of course, presumably that is what radicalviews.org is all about – indeed that is why I subscribe(d).

But the article is not radical nor new - the god is evil / god is not evil, god exists / god doesn't exist debate is as old, worn and inconsistent as the scriptures upon which it is founded. The article is full of misinformed, one-sided statements that achieve nothing but to perpetuate stereotypes – the kind of rubbish we need to move away from if we are ever to become one as a species.

If poor journalism is radical, this article is your organisation's finest moment.

Yamin's article lessens all other articles I have received from radicalviews.org so far. It lessens the debate about Palestine, it lessens the debate about political injustice, it lessen the debate about the rights of women.

Nothing in this article is radical. Religious propaganda IS conformity.

I am very disappointed.

Kind regards,

C C C

note: Yamin also writes for a blog called A Moderate View in a Radical World. I would argue that there is no such thing as a moderate religion.

Needless to say I have had no reply.

Bangs is (da) shit

2009-10-27T15:02:00.003Z

Bangs is da shit! Or, in layman terms, Bangs is shit.

No amount of backdrops with tacky sportscars and bundles of cash can convince anyone that this guy is gangsta. If he was driving the sportscar, or actually seen holding some cash, then maybe I'd be convinced. And that is just the video. The actual song is horrendously bad.

"Hold the popcorn and the drinks - let me pay so we can get inside"

Whoever posted the vid is screening comments, too. Clearly lessons learned from scores of youtube users expressing their disbelief at this shit endeavour, if it can be called that. Retarded and misguided cack is probably a more apt description.

Loser.

Speaking of retarded, - holy shit this video says it all. Wait, that should read retarded and camp. Again, lyrically, my boy Bangs is on to a winner: "I' trying to make you my special girl, 'cause there's nothing like you".

To reiterate: loser.

What is wrong with Sweden?

2009-09-28T21:24:00.002Z

Well, where does one start? It is a country that, despite popular international opinion, is almost exclusively inhabited by facists, communists, state flunkeys and hypocrites. The pseudo-communist culture has been so prevalent in recent Swedish history that there is little or no concept of personal responsibility left. People in the UK express fears of an impending nanny state, - well Sweden is a textbook example of such a scenario. Except in Sweden it isn't a scenario, it is a national identity. Forget the beautiful women (if you can - communist or not they're still hot), forget the amazing nature, forget the Nobel prize. On the surface Swedes may give off the image of being industrious, fair and open minded. As a rule, none of these qualities exist in reality in the kingdom of Sweden today. Everyone here is a racist, everyone here is narrow minded, but worst of all, everyone here are happy to have the state govern every aspect of their life. This archetypal, holier-than-thou image is so rotten, it makes Eva Braun's last days seem like a petty form of denial.

Crap lyrics

2009-09-21T14:44:00.001Z

Just look at me and listen
I'm the man, the man, give you my hand
Come down with fire
Lift my spirit higher
I'm the man on the silver mountain
I'm the man on the silver mountain
I'm the night the light
The black and the white
The man on the silver mountain

Man on the silver mountain, by Rainbow

Boring colleagues part one

2009-09-10T09:27:00.004Z

Gasp!

One of my colleagues must take the prize for most boring conversationalist of all time. Today he has been "entertaining" me on the topic of 5 1/2" floppy disks for almost 45 minutes. You know, about stuff like how the disks used to come unformatted ("as opposed to today, where media comes pre-formatted"), how many kilobytes the disk had available and how much of that you could actually use etc. What the fuck? No one has used those disk since 1989 or so, and no one cares.

Still, it is infinitely preferable to him talking about bus routes..
"I used to take the 43, which is actually called the 52 now, and then I would change in (insert random Swedish provincial shithole) and walk across the street and take the 26 or 27, can't remember which, although I think it was the 27, either way it is now called the 6B, and that would take me to work quite quickly, unless of course it was snowing badly, in which case I was better off taking the 400 all the way to (insert random Swedish provincial shithole) and then take the 88 for the final journey. 88 did I say? I mean the 88A, of course, silly me, the 88 doesn't stop at the bus stop I use, of course unless I need to go the park, but then I'd probably just take the 52 and then walk, unless I was bringing a picnic basket or something, but in that case I might just drive as well".

Yawn.

Raaah

2009-08-24T09:03:00.002Z

Check this guy out. It is SFW unless your boss is a raging redneck, a Southern Baptist Priest, a fundamentalist Muslim etc – you get the message. No nudity, just great bass-playing and a weird, milk-drinking Japanase or Korean dude (I can't tell the difference and tbh I don't really care all that much, it is not really that important). I especially like when he is rubbing / squeezing his underarms. Also, the sequence of the yacht at the end of the video is timeless. I presume it all makes sense in Japanese or Korean or whatever, but secretly I hope it makes no sense in any language / culture.

The comments are brilliant as well. Here's a few tasters:

”ilovebasketball86
the good thing is he is talented the bad thing is he is fucked in the head.”

-very insightful, straight to the point sort of commentary

”nickmorgan19457
I don't know what I'm looking at, but I never want to see it again.”

-this guy must have a hard time on youtube and the internet in general

”DaRuler92
I can live with the cross dressing but MILK in a COKE GLASS WTF is this shit?”

-yeah, what the fuck? That is seriously uncouth and shows a complete lack of decorum

and my favourite:

”Giovanni222
This video is SO FUCKED UP. The wooden frame of the bed TOTALLY clashes with the wooden texture of the wardrobe.”

-quite.

Troopers

2009-07-14T01:09:00.003Z

Start around 1:05-1:06.

At some point in this particular episode of Wife Swap, the spouse of the guy having a breakdown explains how in their family, they brush their teeth with toothpaste made from butter mixed with clay. And they eat raw chicken that they keep in a jar on a shelf.
The world is a scary place, especially with people like that in it. Poor kids.

It is all wrong

2009-07-14T00:31:00.003Z

Police arrest naked 'Terminator'

A man found naked at a casino claimed he was a Terminator sent from the future.

19-year-old Sean Stanley Smith was arrested on the Nevada border after he was spotted by a motorist wondering around the highway nude. He was ordered by police to stop but proceeded into a nearby casino - where he was then tasered in front of a group of children.

Smith claims he was a Terminator sent back in time from the future - a reference to the film character made popular by Arnold Schwarznegger in the sci-fi franchise. The films usually start with a naked man being transported to the past.

However, it turned out that Smith was not a time-travelling Terminator but was in fact suffering from the side effects of LSD and marijuana. He was charged with indecent exposure and resisting a police officer.

(from Yahoo)

Imagine how traumatized those kids must be. Not only are they in a casino surrounded by the grim spectacle of bona fide gambling addiction in all its guises, they also get the pleasure of witnessing a naked, delirious man getting tazed by burly cops.

This is just all so wrong. First of all, what where the kids doing in the casino in the first place? And with whom? And with what money? Isn't there an age limit for casinos? I mean, a casino is hardly the ideal place for a family vacation or a field trip with school. Especially not if it is the kind of casino where naked men go to get tazed by cops.

Clouds

2009-05-12T07:07:00.003Z

America the Great

2009-05-08T09:33:00.003Z

Too many quotes to really mention, but here's a selection:

“Peoples (sic) have kids, that they try to feed with the special, and you mean to tell me that we can't feed our kids, because ya'll didn't order enough chicken .... that's wrong”

“I was trying to feed my family tonight, - can't get that bucket in now”

And my favourite:

“We're more disappointed than angry, you know we've been looking forward to this day”

Get a fucking life. Stop feeding yor kids shit food and stop relying on drive-throughs for sustenance! Go to a bloody shop, buy ingredients and make a proper meal. You do have kitchens in the US, right?

Holy shit this is a sad state of affairs. No wonder America is such a fucked up place. Bred on a diet of fried chicken, inane TV and Texan presidents.

Mini Ramp in the Barn, Day Three

2009-05-05T18:32:00.004Z

My Dad's cousin, who happens to own and run a machine factory, kindly supplied me with two airplane grade aluminium tubes for coping. Using his industrial drills and cutters, the pipes became two beautiful, shiny bespoke items perfect for my masterpiece. He also furnished me with a great selection of nuts and bolts to attach the bastards, and gave some sound advice. In return I had to work for him on May 1 which in Sweden is a national holiday for the workers.
Ha! I didn't mind too much, though. I don't agree with parading around waving red flags moaning about capitalists in 21st century Europe. It's not like the Swedish workforce is exploited in any way, on the contrary, they probably have the most comfortable working directives, laws and conditions of any labour force in the world. Besides, my ramp is way more important than some socialist, hypocritical donuts who all use iPhones, drink Starbucks and think communism is a good thing, whilst being covertly racist, ignorant, uncharitable and fully dependent on state intervention in all aspects of their lives.
Anyway, I digress. I worked in protest and got a nice coping set-up out of it.

Mini Ramp in the Barn, Day Two

2009-05-05T18:14:00.004Z

Today was the day I started putting together the 4 quarter pipes that will make the transition of the ramp. I gave up on using the oak beams I had sourced for cross joists, as they where hard as nails, so hard in fact that I could use neither screw nor nail on them.

IF I COULD DO ANYTHING DIFFERENT, I WOULD START BY NOT DECIDING TO USE OLD, HARD AS FUCK OAK BEAMS FOR BUILDING ANYTHING OTHER THAN A HOUSE!

Anyway, most of day two was spent looking for alternate lumber instead of the oak bastards. As it is a big farm, several hundred years with several massive barns, it wasn't too difficult. I figured the cross joists could be a various shapes, as long as they were strong and thicker and 1".
After an hour or two (generous estimate - I got blisters on my hands) of sawing, I had enough non-oak beams with which to begin construction of the first quarterpipe.

quarterpipe #1

By now it was getting late, I wanted beer and I couldn't be fucked to do any more sawing. I learnt a lot from doing this first quarterpipe, and I was certain the next 3 would go a lot quicker. I closed the doors to the barn and to the project and tried to think of other things.

Mini Ramp in the Barn, Day One

2009-04-27T22:28:00.012Z

So on Saturday morning I got up early, worked on my loose construction plans and headed to the local timber yard to make some purchases. I bought 10 sheets of 8' x 4' plywood. Unfortunately they didn't have the plywood in the thickness recommended by the the Dahlen/Pukeboy manifesto, so I had to settle for sheets that were in-between. The guy in the store assured me that, when soaked, the thickness I got was bendable. I was too excited about the prospect of my very own mini ramp to really worry too much at this stage. Dahlen/Pukeboy recommends using 3/4" thickness for the sideboards and 3/8" for the surface. I got 12mm thickness instead. So I decided to use two 12mm sheets for each sideboard to make it strong enough, and then hope that the 12mm would be pliable enough to use for the surface too.

12mm 8'x4' on trailer - exciting stuff

In terms of lumber, I sourced countless planks, all more or less 2"x4" of various lengths, around the farm that I reckon I could use instead of the standard 2"x4" suggested by Dahlen/Pukeboy. Screws and tools were plenty too. So far so good.

The next step was to design the sideboards. I used the string method for drawing the gradient on to the first sheet of plywood and drew the rest of the sideboard outline with a long ruler.

I opted for a 6 1/2' - 2m gradient, as all websites on the topic seem to suggest that is a mellow gradient, suitable for 3' - 1m ramps. The string method is well-explained in the Dahlen/Pukeboy manifestos.

I also spent a bit more time measuring out the exact space in the barn and revised my figures slightly:

Total length: 6.40m
Flat: 1.80m
Each platform is about 0.60m long (ca. 2') - enough to do a rock fakie with trucks all the way to coping and still have breathing space
Height from ground: ca. 1m
Vertical height, coping to flat: ca. 0.90m (3')
Width: 2.44m (8')
Transition gradient ca 2m (ca 6 1/2')

Hopefully it'll just fit (probably a bit snug, but I wanted to use all possible space to ensure a decent length of ramp).

I proceeded to cut out the first sideboard with a jigsaw. I then traced the the cut-out on to the remainder of the sheet and cut that out too. I repeated this process a few more times to leave me with 12 sideboards, all roughly identical. As I'm using thinner plywood than that recommended, I plan to have the outer sides of the four quarterpipes I make to be double layers. The insides will become double once I put the quarterpipes together. To allay confusion, I should add that the Dahlen/Pukeboy method suggests building 4 quarterpipes that, when combined, will make up the two main quarterpipes in each end of the ramp.

A few sideboards cut out

The rest of day one was spent cutting planks to size for the cross joists. I found a whole heap of oak planks that were of a suitable size. Oak is very hard wood and it took a while to saw enough cross joints for the first qaurterpipe.

Day one drew to a close, and I went to bed praying that this project will work.

Mini Ramp in the Barn, Day Zero

2009-04-27T21:47:00.019Z

One of the advantages of relocating to rural shitsville (possibly apart from being able to go swimming butt-naked in total privacy whenever it takes your fancy), is the ability to take full use of the spaces afforded for purposes that would have been difficult to do in the middle of an urban setting. Friday night I decided to break the monotony of country-living and realise a childhood dream all in one fell swoop: I'm going to build my very own miniramp in one of the many barns scattered around my family's farm. I used to be an avid skateboarder in my teens and early twenties before London, drugs and partying took over. Since having moved out of the City of Filth to a 100% contrasting setting in hickstown, southern Sweden, I've had to fill my evenings and weekends with something other than fishing and moose counting. Luckily I brought my old deck with me, hence the plan and desire to start skating again.
Once a skater, always a skater as they say.

So, following some hard-fought negotiations with the family, I have been granted permission to build an indoor mini ramp in a suitably sized barn next to the main house. I will try to document its progress in this blog over the course of the next few weeks (well, ambitiously I am aiming to have it finished by the end of next weekend, but let's see, eh? As I am the only person working on it and I have no prior experience in the field, it might take longer than that).

I spent Friday night scouring t'internet looking for diagrams and how-too's, and I must admit it was more difficult at first than I had imagined. Ramp Plans Dot Org is a good starting point, but it contains no actual plans (not useful - trade descriptions fuck-up if you ask me) and many of the links are dead (not useful either). After a somewhat confusing browsing session, however, I came across and settled for plans provided by the following two websites:

Rick Dahlen's Mini Ramp
(has a great downloadable PDF with decent diagrams and a walk-through)

Pukeboy's Mini Ramp Plans
(confusing and cheap looking website, but once successfully navigated, extremely useful. Has some cool pics of the final product, too. Not too hot on diagrams, but well-explained)

As Rick Dahlen's ramp plans are loosely based on those provided by Pukeboy, I decided to make my ramp based on a bastardization of the two. The beauty of the plans provided on the two sites mentioned is that the ramp construction uses standard size wood, both lumber and plywood, which makes the process easier and quicker.

(I will go into the various techniques as and when they crop up in my construction over the next week or two.)

So, Day Zero of my ramp construction, I came up with the following rough outline, based on space restrictions in the barn (see below), and my liberal adaptation of the dimensions of the Dahlen/Pukeboy beast:

Total length: 6.5 m / 21'(ish)
Transition: 1.99m / 6.5' (supposedly quite mellow, perfect for 3' height)
Height: 0.91m / 3' (ish)
Width: 2.1 - 2.4m / 7' - 8' (not decided yet, space issues. Might be as wide as 10')
Flat: 1.8m / 6'
Platform width: 0.60 - 0.8 m / 2' - 2.5' (again, space issues, will decide once transition and flat is up)
Surface: either one or two layers of 1/2" plywood, covered by one layer of Masonite
Coping: yet to purchase, PVC is easier to work with, iron lasts longer... depending on availability etc.

I'm going to construct sideboard/frames first (draw and cut out gradient etc), then flat section. Planning to soak surface plywood in lake over night to enable it to bend properly (best method, apparently).

This is where I intend to fit the ramp:

2009-03-30T21:05:00.006Z

Dying in a skiing accident is a luxury problem

2009-03-19T10:57:00.003Z

So Natasha Richardson has died and the world mourns.

First of all, who the fuck was she?

Was she on the brink of solving world poverty? Did she have the answers to saving our environment? Could she have invented a vaccine to cure all our ills?

No. She was an actor. An actor who died whilst on holiday in an upmarket resort. An actor. How will the world recover from this tremendous loss?

57 million people die each year. Compared to the fate of the majority of people her life was far from tragic. Dying in a skiing accident is not comparable to dying from starvation, violence or disease (although dying on a beginner's slope is a form of tragedy, I suppose...).

My condolences to her family and friends. I'm not that cold-hearted. But to everyone else who feels sadden by her demise - get a fucking grip. If she touched your lives you need to join the other 57 million post-haste. The world looks exactly as fucked up today as it did before she kicked the bucket.

NOTHING HAS CHANGED.

Popping out for a Raskolnikov

2009-03-13T09:55:00.002Z

Reading Dostoyevski's Crime and Punishment piecemeal during loo visits doesn't lessen the pleasure. The book is also rather good.

Bjørnebryg - the reason God invented Denmark

2009-03-11T20:24:00.002Z

"Far back in history the bear has been a part of the Harboe Brewery and it is still adorning the Bjørnebryg. The strong and characteristic beer contains 7,7% alcohol."

Possibly the best piece of copywriting ever conceived. Look at that awesome design. Only White Ace looks more attractive.
I dare say this beer is better than White Ace, both in terms of flavour and in terms of strength. White Ace is, of course, more readily available in the UK and much more likely to generate disgust from the public when consumed in broad daylight whilst waiting for your smack dealer to come through. White Ace is of course also not a beer but a white cider (sulphate overdose!), so the comparison falls short on several points. Well no, just the one.
I don't think this beer is available in the UK, which is tantamount to a crime. In Denmark the "Bear Brew" is fave among the drinking classes. Combined with a few 30mg codeine pills this golden liquid is an adequate and quite beautiful intoxicant.

Coolest tatts ever

2009-03-03T11:18:00.003Z

A friend of mine sent me the link to this blog (English Russia) with some of the best (or worst) tattoos ever.

The two I've selected below are just so shit they're cool. Seriously, I am considering it...

'Drunken biker with chick'

We all know the feeling. You've been enjoying a couple of beers on a Tuesday night, just cruising around Vladivostock on your BSA, when your old lady shows up out of the blue, bitching and making demands, to the effect that you crash your bike and subsequently pretend to pass out in the vague hope that she'll go away.

'Weird lady standing in a puddle'

Not sure what the story is here. Some weird woman standing in what looks like a shallow fountain. No story needed, the mystery is what makes this tatt.

Fear and loathing in Sweden

2009-02-07T01:03:00.010Z

Three codeine tablets, two beers, two large glasses of gin and the last of my UK skunk. Listening to Land of Talk's new album, 'Some Are Lakes'.

I'm missing the filth, the depravity and the madness of London.

Earlier today I went walking in the forest. I say in the forest as if there is one distinct forest I go walking in. There isn't. It' all just one big fucking forest. The snow that fell last night and this morning was melting. The usual silence of the deep forest was replaced by the sound of a thousand drops of melted snow falling from branch to branch, drifting from leaf to leaf, as the frozen water transformed itself for the millionth time. I sat in the forest for an hour, silent, just listening. The lack of human made stimuli was amazing. The air was fresh, my footprints were the only ones visible in the snow and the air was so clean.
Yet I find myself missing all the misery of hyper inner city life. Missing it badly.

My resume so far.

2009-01-21T09:52:00.001Z

Lies, lies, lies.

No one is harder than Hackney, part 2

2008-10-11T16:46:00.006Z

Check out Afrokan.

This breer is so bake, mans be shittin' themselves when he in dem yard innit?

Apart from being illiterate and from E13 (yep, that is where your tax money is going), this fool surely is a contender for victim of the week, Hackney style.
His anecdote, presented on his MySpazz site with the unmistakable linguistic tenacity of a dyslexic eight-year old, is so interesting and illuminating of Afrokan's character that it warrants reproducing. He 'must of' gotten kicked out of school before he had a chance to grasp the concept of punctuation. I got bare respect for my man Afrokan, ya get me? Please don't hurt us, Afrokan!

HOW I NEARLY GOT SHANKED IN HACKNEY

(by Afrokan, a geezer so hard he gets stared down by strangers on his way to church)

OK! This is how it went...
I was jammin at SLYMA'S yard (stratford) till like 19:00
Then i get a phone call sayin i have to go to church and be dere by 21:00
Jus so you no, the church is in Hackney (homerton)
So must of left Slyma's yard between like 19:30 and 20:00
Got to Stratford station 10 minutes later and got on da 276 towards Hackney
Must Of got to Hackney and i see baaaare traffic and i was like 10mins away from church
So i decided to walk dere init!
While i was walking, i walked past this double decker bus (i think it was the no. 55)
And i looked into it, and all i see is dis light skin WASTEMAN looking, giving me evils! DICKHEAD!
So i looked back at him and carried on walking and hes still looking me lol, im like SKEEN!
The traffic free'd up a bit so the bus moved ahead of me a bit den it stopped...
Meaning i had to walk past the bus again and see dat ugly mans face again, i swear he was about 30 lol
I walked past the bus agen and i see the man.. still staring at me!! FAARKIN HELL!!
ANYWAYS!!
I walked down the road some more, den all i hear is 'OI YOU!! U FINK UR BAD INIT'
I turned around to see dat this man had got off the bus...
(HE HAD TIME...)
I kept my eye on him.. 10 seconds later he takes out a shank and RUNS towards me lol..
EESH! I was gone again!!!!!!!!!!

HOW I NEARLY GOT SHANKED IN HACKNEY

I think John Lydon put it best when he said "No future".

Joe Kinnear: "You're A Cunt"

2008-10-03T07:35:00.006Z

Newcastle United Football Club is going nowhere fast, and so, by the sound of it, is temporary manager Joe Kinnear. I expect this story to be blogged to death before lunch!
The irony is, linguistically he is already a Geordie. I should think NUFC fans would appreciate a manager that speaks their language.....

"Fuck off. Fuck off. It's your last fucking chance."

and just in case you don't believe it, have a listen for yourself.

He is a charming fella. Why did he accept the job? And perhaps more importantly, why the hell did NUFC hire him? He is clearly off the fucking rails and this episode will do wonders for the club. The media will have a field day.

Another hero is gone

2008-09-19T09:12:00.004Z

This story is about a guy who faked his way in to pro golf tournaments. Although sadly passed away, this man surely is a legend and an inspiration to us all.

"I bought some maps and books on the subject and a compass, suitable walking boots and socks. On one trip to the fells I bought myself a red jungle hat. It wasn't long before I was contemplating taking up mountain climbing. But I took up golf instead, which, in my case and the Open championship, could fairly be said to amount to one and the same thing."

He went from loving fell walking to wanting to win the Open. His kids don't sound too normal either, having recieved an anti-social behaviour injunction for fencing with each other (and something about winning the 1984 Disco Championships, - read on, it gets weirder).

(thanks to Lord Bramley for the story)

Crazy Golfer (from guardian.co.uk)

The best bar in the world?

2008-09-19T09:12:00.001Z

The Saint Hotel in Melbourne is apparently under investigation following a promotion offering AUS$50 to any female punter who leaves her pants at the front door. Apparently the hotel got in to trouble earlier this year by “hiring a dwarf to pour free alcohol down customers' throats.”

The hotel is now under investigation by the Victoria state's alcohol licensing authority, who have referred to the event as “an inappropriate liquor promotion.”

Whilst we’re on the topic of Australia and its lack of public decorum, the following story seems fitting.

John Molony (great name), the mayor of remote Mount Isa, stated last week that “with five blokes to every girl, may I suggest that beauty-disadvantaged women should proceed to Mount Isa.”

However uncouth such a statement, let’s hope the message gets through and we lose a few of the mingers in London!

Pants story (from bbc.co.uk)

Ugly duckling story (also from bbc.co.uk)

The World's Inbox

2008-09-18T12:40:00.003Z

Due to the specifics of my email address, I keep getting mails addressed to people whose surname match mine. Some are rather personal, like the one I just received a few minutes ago:

"HELLO MY DEAR -----....ARE YOU NOW IN SWEDEN?...I UNDERSTAND BUT YOU HAVE TO TELL ME IF YOU HAVE PROBLEM...IM YOUR GIRLFRIEND & I HAVE THE RIGHT TO KNOW OF WHAT HAPPEN... BE OPEN TO ME...WHAT HAPPEN TO YOUR WORK? OKAY YOU HAVE TO SAVE MONEY FOR OUR FUTURE..LIFE IS NOT EASY...TAKE CARE...I MISS UR BALD...LOL....U KNOW WHAT I MEAN. HOPE U CAN CALL SOMETIMES..LOVE YOU!

YOUR PUSSY CAT,

-------"

I hope she finds him and his bald... U know what I mean...

travels to creat a new worlds (sic)

2008-08-28T09:29:00.002Z

(Notice posted by SUN sovichea from Phnom Penh)

i am looking for a travel job.

i an English teacher as voulenteer for SOUTHEAST ASIA MERCY CILDRENDS FUND.

i use to voulenteer at REPRODUTVIE HEALTH ASSOCIATION OF CANBODIA as a peer teacher.

NOW i am a law student at ROYAL UNIVERSIY OF LAW AND SCIENCE ECONOMICS.

i like travel very much.

i hope you choise me.

(sic)

(taken from here)

...for an English teacher this person speaks remarkably well.

Cold Ones live @ Old Blue Last, Saturday 12 July 2008

2008-07-24T09:07:00.005Z

I got dispatched to Shoreditch’s trendy Old Blue Last to write a review of London-based hardcore band The Dirty Money. I had little knowledge of TDM and zero knowledge of the other bands on the bill, and I was determined to fuck off home after the TDM set as I’m not a particularly big hardcore fan. As it happened, myself and Omni (who was my chosen photographer this evening, and incidentally the reason I knew about this gig) decided to mill about after TDM had played. This was partially down to the good vibe at the venue and possibly Omni’s decision to come off the wagon (that took waaay too long!!!). In either case, I was tanked up and found myself upstairs at the venue just in time to catch Liverpool-based Cold Ones tear into their skate-punk fuelled mayhem.

Think of Black Flag, Descendents, and late-80s skateboard videos and you’ll sort of get the idea. Sort of.

Cold Ones are awesome. They instantly make me want to drink vast swathes of beer and pogo around uncontrollably, covered in my own (and quite possibly someone else’s) sweat. I have no idea which songs they played, how long they played for, who the fuck they are or even if you can drink a swathe of something. None of that matters really. Singer Russell Longmire (decked out in kamikaze headband and what looked through my beer-soaked eyes like a preachers robe) was all over the shop, energetic and enigmatic from start to finish. The band simply just exploded. Now it could be the beer (oh and that can of ‘K’ cider I had before the show), but I cannot remember seeing a better contemporary punk act recently other than possibly Zeke (no wait, not possibly, definitely - Zeke for life).

I would love to go into more detail (band members, set list, price of 6 Guinness etc) but I haven’t got any more details, really. And I don’t feel I need to either. Google it you twats. And once you do, download their demo Crack It.. it's free and it's good.

If you skateboard, you’ll love Cold Ones. If you’re an alcoholic, you’ll love Cold Ones. If you spent your youth watching Powell Peralta and Santa Cruz videos, you’ll love Cold Ones.

If you like punk music, you’ll love Cold Ones. You get the idea. I love this band.

Oh, and apparently one of the guys is pro skateboarder on Heroin :). Can this get any better?

Yes it can, provided I can fuck off out of work now and go get drunk.

(Picture: Omni)

Cold Ones

The Dirty Money review

No one is harder than Hackney

2008-07-23T10:46:00.000Z

Yesterday I came home from work to find (yet again) representatives from the law enforcement occupying the entrance to my building. On this occasion it wasn’t arson or a shooting investigation like it usually is. My downstairs neighbour got stabbed, and judging from the blood splattered everywhere it could have been very, very serious (is there no such things a non-serious stabbing?). A quick word with one of the PCs established the fact that my downstairs neighbour had survived the attack, and that she was stable.

After giving my details I was carefully escorted to my flat by said PC in order to avoid me walking all over the evidence. My flatmate was already in. I was told we would have to stay in the flat for a while until the forensics team had finished, so we cracked open the rum and vodka and started playing poker. We even had a sneaky joint or two, giggling like school kids having a crafty fag behind the bike shed, aware that ten police officers were milling about just outside our flat for hours.

Business as usual.

I thought I’d be a bit more concerned, or shaken even, by the events. But apart from sympathy for my neighbour (no one deserves to get stabbed, do they?), I couldn’t really give a toss. I thought I would, and I probably should, but I don’t.

At the end of the day, no one is harder than Hackney.

Broken cash

2008-07-10T16:25:00.001Z

Life goes on, money or not. The thing about being broke is, once you can no longer withdraw cash it becomes irrelevant whether you owe £100 or £100,000. You have no liquidity and you’re forced to scrounge, scam and starve. Why it has to be so every month is beyond me, frankly. And rather irritating.

I work for fucks sake. How come I never have any cash?

I’m beginning to understand how debt can literally spiral out of control in a very short space of time. Getting on top of it all is a slow, laborious and nutrition-deficient process and usually results in malnourishment, temporary social pariah status, general bad vibes and an irrational desire to become a heroin addict.

On matters mixed and structured not

2008-06-20T11:30:00.002Z

The time hath cometh for discourse on the very nature of employment and the matters of unpleasantness therein, be they latent or otherwise. Why doth we toil for pittance fare, when existence should be spent perusing the wonders of nature from an establishment of mirth, washed down with the mead of one’s volition to the backdrop of bossoms free and bores dear?
Do we not see, how the striving for pay, eludes no time for things merry and gay?
Are we not men of leisure, women equally so? Are we not masters of beasts?
Why are we subject to such desires base, that time is spent not pursuing matters idle but occupied with receiving raise?

Make note, when days are here of gentle men using pistols for their automobile to render repaired, should we not ask, why?
Bolts of wheels round, that hath with pistol been fixed, have ne’er been found.

That and other things.

Oi

2008-06-18T12:27:00.000Z

So where are we?

It is late June, I have no electricity and the weather is shit. Cheated of another summer. I may have to relocate to sunnier climes if this keeps on going.

Due to a fire in our staircase, the whole building is without electricity and, subsequently, hot water. I feel like I’m taking part in a new run of How we used to live: Early Victorians. I wake up to the pleasure of an ice-cold shower in a pitch-black bathroom, followed by coffee made from boiling water in a saucepan on our gas cooker (at least that still works). Breakfast consists of whatever I can store without using a fridge (dry bread, marmalade, the odd apple). After work I rush home to make dinner before the sun goes down, again using only ingredients that doesn’t need refrigeration. Making lunch for the following day is an impossibility. Dinner and washing up taken care of, I recline in my living room reading books until there is no more natural light, after which I sit in darkness and smoke cigarettes and drink warm beer until it is time to go to bed. Last night that time was 22.30pm.

To add insult to injury, I can no longer do any washing of clothes. Use a Laundromat I hear you say. That would be kosher if I had any cash. As I don’t, I have had to resort to washing socks and underwear (the essentials) by hand, again in a pitch black bathroom with ice-cold water. As for the remaining laundry, I’m considering arranging a dirty washing amnesty point somewhere in the living room, as my bedroom is becoming full (and somewhat smelly). I suppose I could burn all the dirty washing and use the fire as TV replacement. Actually, no, enough fires.

On the plus side, I have started to appreciate the various stages of natural light throughout the day, and I haven’t watched TV for almost two weeks. My body clock is slowly reverting to what I assume must be the pattern of pre-electricity humans; rise at dawn, retire at dusk. Never has daylight been this precious to me. At least it is summer. Had this happened in the dead of January I would probably have hanged myself or administered a dose of strychnine, in the dark, of course, and probably shivering cold.

Still, it’s not all bad.

Last Friday I went to the ICA to see the first ever My Bloody Valentine show in almost two decades. Petka managed to get tickets and kindly took me along. Announced last minute and billed as a rehearsal for their sold-out shows across the UK and Europe in the following month(s), we were treated to something we never thought possible, and not a moment too soon.

Was it good? Yes, it was very good. In the space of a few years I have now managed to tick off quite a few boxes in terms of childhood musical heroes that I’ve experienced live (Dinosaur Jr with the original line-up, My Bloody Valentine, Megadeth, Misfits (sadly w/out Danzig), and The Pixies etc). But enough about that. My Bloody Valentine, for those who don’t know, was responsible for recording the best album ever made, ever. It’s called Loveless, and unless you hear it, you will never know what perfection is. Seriously, it is that good. Go and buy it / download it / copy it from a friend now. It was released in November 1991 and more or less bankrupted their label, Creation Records. But so what? Even if it had cost £1 billion it would have been worth it, fucking up the sonic landscape and perceptions of beauty forever.

2007-10-11T12:16:00.000Z